The beginning

I have never before attempted to write a blog and honestly I have only read one or two blog entries in my life. I have decided to start a blog because I have reached a point in my life where I think and hope someone can benefit from what I have learned from the trials I have gone through in my 27years. I am not just writing about surviving struggles though. I am a very creative person and I love all things DIY so there will be posts about crafts to come as well.
Mainly I am starting this blog as a form of self therapy because just a little over 2 months ago I placed my newborn baby boy Wyatt for adoption after his DNA donor and I split up after having been in a relationship for 8 months. We split up on April 4th 2012 after he decided to use me for a punching bag and test subject for a few wrestling moves when I was 14 weeks pregnant and had already been told my pregnancy was high risk and to take an easy because I was bleeding a lot. We have not spoken or seen each other since that day when he packed all of his belongings into his beat up little piece of crap car and sped off to Virginia to be with his best friend and sugar mama who happens to be married. A little side note about his best friend and her husband: they let him sleep in the bed with them and he is a 33yr old man. Can you say weirdo? Anyway, after I picked myself up off of the ground and wiped away my tears I called another of his friends that lived in the same town and asked him to come get me because I was in the middle of nowhere with limited cell service and I was scared he would come back and kill me like he had sworn to do if he found out I had asked for help or told anyone what he had done. His friend A came and picked me up and took me to his house where I stayed for a week with him and his FWB (friend with benefits). They tried to keep me smiling and in a good state of mind before they were willing to take me to my parents house in the next town. When they were comfortable taking me to my parents they took me to the house I had shared with my ex to collect my belongings and then we parted ways.
After the DNA donor and I split up it was like someone flipped a switch on my pregnancy because the bleeding stopped and the doctor was no longer concerned about any risk to the baby. I immediately started weighing my options for this baby as to weather to keep him and try to raise him while being a single parent to 3 other children already or to place him for adoption and try to find a couple that met all of my personal requirements for my dream couple that I wanted to raise my baby. First I looked in the phone book for information on adoption but met with a dead end so I turned to the more modern internet and met with endless opportunities and options. I emailed several agencies for information but later found that they were little better than baby sellers and while their websites said they offered tons of assistance to the birthmom they in truth did not. I happened upon a website much like facebook but it was for prospective adoptive couples to post profiles so birthmoms could look at them and maybe match with them. I scrolled through several pages of couples then as I was about to try yet another page a picture of a 30 something man and woman caught my eye. They were sitting in a car and looked so in love. I clicked on their profile and read everything and looked at all of their pictures and was instantly in love with them. I emailed them and told them a little of my story and why I had chosen to email them. They responded the next morning with anticipation for my next email and much happiness. We started emailing each other constantly and after a month of this we I decided to ask for a phone call. The phone call brought us all to tears and with both sadness and happiness in my heart I asked them to talk to their attorney about starting the process for the adoption.
The time flew by but at the same time it seemed to crawl because I wanted the pregnancy to be over but at the same time I wasn't ready to give up my baby. We planned for the couple to be in the birthing room but when the time came for me to deliver Wyatt was in too much of a hurry to wait. LOL. I woke up 10/16/2012 in labor and told my mother she needed to get dressed and take me to the hospital NOW! When we arrived at the hospital an hour later I was 7cm dilated and progressing fast. We called the APAPS and told them to catch the next flight out of Texas. Shortly there after Wyatt joined the world with a loud cry. None of my other children had cried when they were born but he came into the world screaming at the top of his little lungs with no plans on stopping. My little sister who was at home with my father turned on Skype and my mother turned on my Skype account and my father called the APAPS and held the phone up to the computer for AMOM to hear her little boy cry for the first time. She became so excited that she accidentally hung up on my dad. He still teases her about crying, laughing, and screaming at ADAD to get ready and hurry up that he couldn't make since out of her. Unfortunately the next flight wasn't for several hours so they didn't arrive at the hospital till 10pm that night. The nurse came into my room and asked if I was up to seeing them and I told her of course. I looked out into the hall and could see them standing there. They were the picture of anticipation. ADAD was holding AMOM by the arm as if trying to restrain her from rushing into the room. AMOM was waving but they were both smiling so big I thought their faces would break.  I motioned for them to come in and they rushed forward with open arms and grabbed me in a bear hug. After pleasantries they all but dove for the bassinet to see the baby.  ADAD had called dibs on holding him months before one night while we were skyping. They looked so happy to see and hold him like someone had literally given them the world. I took pictures on my phone and took pictures on their phones so they could both be in them. Wyatt decided he would break his APAPS into the diaper changing thing real early. He had no mercy on them with a monster poop. AMOM was timid about changing him afraid she would hurt him. ADAD stood beside him talking to him and holding his little had but Wyatt had no mercy on him either and while AMOM was taking her time with changing his diaper Wyatt decided to pee all over the arm of ADADs dress shirt. ADAD didn't realize what was happening till Wyatt was almost done. I warned them he was going to pee because I could see his little "winky" stand up from where I was sitting on the hospital bed but they didn't hurry up or cover up the little "winky." The APAPS stayed at the hospital till almost 1am before they went to their hotel room but they came back at first light that morning and stayed all day.
My mother stayed with me at the hospital and when I was discharged the day after I had the baby she drove me and Wyatt back home. The APAPS agreed to let me take Wyatt home because legally they couldn't take custody of him until 48hrs after his birth when we were going to be signing the papers. After I introduced my other children to their new little brother I called the APAPS so that they could come get Wyatt for the night. The next morning I jumped into the shower after I woke up so I could pump my breast milk after I got out. Right after I got out of the shower the phone rang and it was the attorney who was working for me in the adoption. He was calling to make sure I was still going to go through with it so he knew if he should drive the 2 hours to my home or not with the paper work. I told him to bring the papers for me to sign. The APAPS arrived a few hours later with Wyatt in tow, they looked exhausted after their first night with their son but they looked so happy. Content even. Before I knew it the attorney was knocking at the door with his glossy black brief case in his hand. I felt my heart stop as he sat next to me at the kitchen table and opened his brief case with a snap that sounded to me like a gun shot. He began to pull out stacks of papers everything had to be signed in triplicate he said; I thought his brief case was Mary Poppins carpet bag for a moment because his hand seemed to be swallowed up by the case as he continued to pull out more papers. Wyatt lay nursing at my breast as pens were passed around the table then a contract explaining attorney client privilege was placed in front of me. Papers flew around the table in what seemed like a tornado as we signed paper after paper. Then IT was slid in front of me. The form stating I wanted to terminate my parental rights to this baby I nursed at my breast. The form that once signed there was no changing my mind. The form that would sever my rights to my child as efficiently as cutting the umbilical cord severed my child's need for me to sustain his life. This was it. The moment of truth. Could I really say goodbye to my newborn baby? Could I really let someone else raise him? If I didn't sign these papers could I really raise another child alone? Could I be that selfish? Could I be that selfless?
I looked down into the face of my newborn sleeping son. He who had a world open to him. These people could give him the world. They could give him a mother and a father. He would never want for anything. They would love as much as I did, but they weren't me. I closed my eyes took a breath and said a prayer begging God to give me strength. I signed my name on the dotted line and kissed my little son and cried. ADAD reached out his hand and placed it on my shoulder and I cried harder. ADAD stood up and wrapped his arms around me in sympathy for my pain but also in love for the gift I was giving them.
A week later the APAPS were given the ok to go back to Texas with Wyatt because the judge had finally signed off on all the papers. I cried harder that night than I have ever cried because when they walked out that door and drove away I felt my heart break and part of it went with them.
Since that night I have seen the APAPS and Wyatt via Skype several times and we exchange phone calls and emails on a weekly basis as well as text messages a few times a week. I am blessed to have such a loving supportive adoptive couple raising my baby because he will grow up knowing me and I will get to see him as much as I want. My family isn't open to talking about the adoption or the baby so I have no one to talk about it with. This will hopefully be my outlet.